Gather round! The Premier League is about to make a show of itself
Posted on the 3rd May 2020 in the category sport

There might not be any sport on television now but get ready for a free to air footballing spectacle.

Over the next few weeks the Premier League will prove it is the worst league in the world.

The coronavirus pandemic betrays the true colours of wrong ‘uns, whether it be individuals or on a corporate level, we know them, that friend whose gone down a 5G rabbit hole or the celebrity who believes their “winning mentality” makes them immune from a virus.

The French, Belgian and Dutch top flights have all been cancelled, kaput. Over. It’s just a game, people are dying.

Whereas the Premier League is embarking on “Project Restart” to get the league started on June 8. The lack of self-awareness and tone deafness to the tragedy engulfing the world is breathtaking. Football clubs began in the 19th and 20th Centuries rooted in their community, and people in those communities are now are dying.

Who gives a shit about a game? Do you think Pep Guardiola is mithering about how Man City can catch Liverpool in the title race or grieving for his mother who died of this terrible, indiscriminate killer.

English fans have long been seen by the league as customers to rip off through eye-wateringly high ticket prices and billion pound television deals which never include free to air matches and kick off times which never take into consideration away supporters. Would it be too hard for local derbies to be played on Boxing or New Year’s Day (when buses and trains often don’t run) like none leagues, other countries and the old first division did.

Over the next few weeks the top bods at EPL will demonstrate how horrible they are. The desperation they are showing to finish the league is like a balding man trying to keep his hair by spending a week’s wages on products from bringitback.com.

They are ignoring every 2020 actuality and inevitability to make money, the safety of their own players and staff, the calendar which is leaving season behind, that coronavirus is here to stay and world’s other leagues facing this new reality and ending their seasons.

Those teams not vying for a title or trying to avoid relegation will probably want to start building for next season and not risk their squad’s safety for the benefit of other clubs.

“What about poor Liverpool?” is the common refrain from football pundits. They are so far ahead in the league of course they deserve to be crowned champions. But life isn’t fair, ask a silver haired Covid-19 patient in Royal Liverpool hospital as they stare at the “do not resuscitate” sign on the end of their bed if life is fair. Or if Bill Shankly’s pithy one liner about football meaning more than life and death rings true?

And Liverpool have their reasons for the league to be cancelled. If those two games to bring every team up to 28 matches played are played out and they are presented with the title, by a naff tweet, then they waited 30 years to win 8/10ths of a title, unlike every other champion.

Everyone knows they deserve the title this year and in everyone’s minds they will be, a kind of “people’s champions”. Liverpool is a city that loves feeling hard done by and this will add to that historical emotional narrative. They see themselves as a city apart, they are Scousers before Englishmen, the legacy of British Government sailing its Navy gunboats down the Mersey and training their guns on an English city to quell industrial unrest.

But no-one could deny Liverpool were hard done by if the league is void. Their quest to win that elusive first Premiership title will be sprinkled with a moral superiority, next season they might even be everyone’s second team.

However, there could be a very different scenario which would see this all conquering team with the likable German manager could easily become public enemy number one.

Imagine if Liverpool are one goal away from clinching the resumed title in the summer. The ground might be empty but houses across Merseyside will be packed with friends wanting to see history together. During Covid-19 restrictions, which everyone else in the country is sick and tired with.

Then West Derby lad Trent Alexander-Arnold scores a last minute winner and unconfined joy will immediately spill out on the streets. Imagine scenes of sweating, hugging fans been beamed around the world. Oh, and what if Sadio Mané scores the winner and his legion of fans in Senegal get together and cause a massive spike in cases. Same goes for Salah’s worshippers in Egypt.

The joy will be very hard to suppress, this will 30 years of hurt being overturned. Jurgen Klopp could plead with his supporter base to stay indoors but he will have about as much success as a single security guard trying to stop shoplifters in Liverpool One’s Debenhams during a power cut. Players could send out personalised videos to fans telling them to stay indoors and that creepy Fred dude would have more chance stopping a Tsunami on his floating map in Albert Dock whilst trying to feel up a teenager.

There will be no league winner’s parade, and it will not be a celebration fit for the end of a 30 year wait, that emotion can’t be repeated, unless they don’t win it till 2050. It would like being invited to a wedding only to find out its teetotal. Football is about sharing emotion, friendships are forged through experiences together, glory-hunters watching games on their own in an armchair never get that, and miss out on the best bit of football, they will be demanding the league resume.

If any prizes are to be given out then two games need to be played, those four clubs that have played 28 games compared to the rest on 29. Aston Villa v Sheffield United and Arsenal v Man City. But there are many factors in winning games, some teams have played less home games and they will lose that advantage in a neutral stadium. Some teams have played better teams than the others, Brighton have yet to face Liverpool, Man City, Leicester City, Arsenal and Manchester United, with four of those games at home.

The Premier League does not care about the safety of the players, if they did they would not even think about resuming matches. Players will have to be tested twice a week which will go down well with those with Covid-19 symptoms and unable to get a test for love nor money. As Brighton striker Murray said that playing in face masks would be “farcical” and the ambulances at the matches could be better deployed in the NHS. The fat cats that own clubs were happy to see players become the Coronavirus Scapegoats of the Week last month when flipflopping Health Secretary Matt Hancock saw a populist opportunity to pile onto working class lads made good. The no-chinned melt even did not check how much his government’s exchequer would lose if footballers took a 30% cut.

However, as Wayne Rooney pointed out why should they take a cut in wages to help their billionaire club owners and how did they know the money would go to the NHS? A multi-millionaire arguing with billionaires, which is perfectly encapsulates the state of English football now. And Premier League club owners are a who’s who of world class wrong ‘uns. Fossil fuel extractors, human rights violators, dictators, financial fair play rule benders and that’s just Man City. World Cup bribers, fundamentalist tract subscribers, robber barons, women emancipation deniers, sodamisers and Mike Ashley.

The Champions League teams are usually preordained before the season but this year Leicester City have gate-crashed the party and they will feel hard done by if they don’t qualify. It would make sense for those in the positions now to qualify. Where it gets messy is relegation. There will be a £100m consequence for relegated clubs. And you can bet whatever happens this season will be decided in a court room.

The Football League are close to announcing the Championship and the lower leagues will not be resumed and as player contracts are up on June 1 all the best players in that league will return to their Premier parent clubs. And if the lower leagues are not resuming then it will be easier to ensure no relegation or promotions will happen, as in the Dutch league. It will be grossly unfair on West Brom and Leeds but there will have to be losers whatever the outcome, that said I’d be happy with 22 top flight next year.  

I have to admit I have a horse in the race, I’m a Villa fan, and we are close to clinching a place in the best league in Europe, a league where the top two are not blatantly obvious before a ball is kicked, where the final standings are not a mirror image of the wages spent league, two games a week and the majority of away games are an hour away from Birmingham – the Championship!

The French Government have taken the decision out of League One’s hands but weirdly the UK Culture and Sport minister said the other day he wants the EPL started “as soon as possible.” Which like so many other things coronavirus related is totally at odds with other Governments around the world. At least pandemic has finally put pay to any sane person trying to argue about British and American exceptionalism, the body counts at the end of this will be an unarguable fact.

You will start hearing phrases like “large contracts honoured” and “lucrative sponsorship deals in danger” as the money men who run the EPL get more and more desperate to restart the league. They might dress it up as “fairness”, “the football family”, “keeping the fans happy”, “helping the nation’s morale” and classic of the genre "helping grassroots football" when it is about one thing, and one thing only – cold hard cash.

The ticket paying Premier League football fan is further down the list of club owners’ priorities a conference call with a Cambodian electrician to make sure the “product” is beamed correctly into the homes of his “emerging market” so the fans can see the shirt sponsors clearly.

If this was not the case then why would Operation Restart be planning for matches without fans?

Those smattering of games in empty stadiums before the lockdown proved how important fans are. During the Wolves match in Greece, I instinctively stuck my arse out and protected my Strongbow can on the way back from the fridge when I heard Connor Coady scream “Man On” for the umpteenth time.

Those empty stadium kick abouts reminded me of playing football with work mates, the managers always seem to think their seniority carries onto the football pitch and begin shouting “track back” at flair/playing for fun players like myself, in a word, it was all a bit weird.

To use the parlance of the money men say about football - a piss poor “product.”

On Friday the owners of the 20 league clubs, who’ve won the football equivalent of a rollover lottery to be in the EPL when the latest broadcasting deal was struck, had a zoom chat to work out how to restart the league. The top of the food chain PR bods released a statement, I have taken the trouble to translate it into pub-speak.

At a meeting of Premier League Shareholders today, clubs discussed possible steps towards planning to resume the 2019/20 season, when it is safe and appropriate to do so.

Lets write as many words as we can to say we are planning to resume the league, isn’t “discussing possible steps towards planning” just planning?

It was reiterated that the thoughts of all are with those directly affected by the COVID-19 pandemic.

Ah, people are dying, we better mention them without mentioning the “D” word.

Furthermore, the Premier League’s priority is the health and safety of players, coaches, managers, club staff, supporters and the wider community.

We care about everyone, anyone, but mostly the players and managers because we need them to restart the league.

The League and clubs are considering the first tentative moves forward and will only return to training and playing with Government guidance, under expert medical advice and after consultation with players and managers.

We will brownnose the Government, pay some experts to say what we want them to and either promise or threaten the players and managers to play again.

The League welcomed the creation of the Government medical working group for a return of elite sport, which met for the first time this morning.

Oh, this can kill two birds with one stone, who are these medical bods, lets “sponsor” some future research.

No decisions were taken at today’s Shareholders’ meeting and clubs exchanged views on the information provided regarding "Project Restart".

We decided to restart the league.

It was agreed that the PFA, LMA, players and managers are key to this process and will be further consulted.

The league can’t actually begin again without the players and managers, and though we have not mentioned the agents they will be key to getting their players to risk their health so we will ensure they can still earn astronomical amounts for transfers and making sure young players know how to wipe their bum properly.

The clubs reconfirmed their commitment to finishing the 2019/20 season, maintaining integrity of the competition and welcomed the Government’s support.

We are going to restart the league.

Despite all that, the Premier League has 92 remaining games, that will be three a day to conclude the season in one month. This was meant to be a European Championships summer but we have been robbed of that. How good will be three televised games a day be? It will be like the first two weeks of a World Cup. And as the league is being resumed to help “the morale of the country” they will surely be on terrestrial telly.



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